Best Beloved

 I looked for you in Robert’s mouth

As I fed Taco Time burritos into it,

Burritos I’d reheated for him

After I had wiped his OCD ass,

Balls,

Ass again,

Penis,

Balls one more time,

Put new sheets on his bed,

Brought four heated blankets,

Picked his nose for him and

Wiped his goatee,

And all the rest he asked for

In his “would it kill ya to do this one last small thing”

Way,

I did not say that I can see why

His mother won’t take him back,

That I can’t imagine not killing myself if I were him,

That I hate him and every moment in his presence,

No I did not say what I was thinking,

And I also did not find much of you during that shift,

But now I remember that you too once just wanted me to stay,

And that for some reason you enjoyed Taco Time,

So if it was you in there,

I’m sorry I did not ask if you wanted hot sauce,

Or if the burritos were warm enough,

And I’m sorry I told you I had “other 

Residents I need to check on NOW”

In truth, I could have stayed a few more minutes

First Last

 I work grave shifts as a nurse's assistant

Not a certified one, yet,

Jimmy talked with me the night before he died,

Told me he was scared, but didnt know what he needed,

Asked if i knew what he meant, and to just talk to him about anything,

I told him of my kids, apologized the female nurse was too busy to chat, i knew i wasnt as fun to talk to,

He said im a good guy, to not sell myself short,

I said i try, that i think we all try and he agreed

Dont cling to the hot stove

 So much advice that i don't heed until i go far enough against it to see it's value, then, immediately start spouting to others, who by all rights, shouldn't listen to me

"Just say no to drugs, stay on the marked trail, don't cling, just watch the breath", etc etc etc ad nauseam.

But one more today, which is that letting go is not just for forgiving past injustices and resentments,

It's maybe also for the unspeakably perfect moments, cause not only are they somehow diminished and simultaneously magnified in the telling, clinging, and remembering, but they sometimes whitewash the present, water it down to some cheap imitation of life,

And maybe life is (as many have said) a learning to let go, without resentment or bitterness, until the final letting go, which it appears will take it all anyway, ready or not

 I poke my head up every few months

To see if I can manage

Hack it

See if life has softened some

Or if I’ve toughened up

I’m making the switch

That’s right, I’m making the switch! in my head I announce this as would a newly married young man, sitting at Sunday dinner with his in-laws, announce that he, a serious adult now, would be switching from comcast tv to Apple’s latest overpriced digital rectangle. Then gasps of admiring shock from the sisters and mother in law. A manly clap on the shoulder from Sara’s father, finally impressed with you, and the mature amount of money you are able to pay for your television.

Because it’s more fun to picture it that way, and it makes it feel like a normal human-y thing to do. In reality I’m not switching television providers, I will continue with my tried and true method of using the passwords of 6 different people to log into Netflix, Hulu, HBO max, Amazon prime, Peacock, and Paramount Plus. 

Angels

 Wonder is such a two edged sWord